A famous marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, discovered that one of the primary indications of whether or not a couple would stay together was how they handled conflict. Please note: the difference wasn’t how much conflict the couple had, but how they handled it. You and your husband may disagree about many things, but if you have the skills to resolve conflict without fighting, you can have a harmonious marriage.
When you think of the word fight, you probably imagine a couple yelling and screaming at each other. However, you and your husband can “fight” without ever raising your voices. A couple can also be fighting in their marriage when they become verbally aggressive, contemptuous, or withholding in marriage.
It is never God’s will for us to fight in marriage. We will most likely have some important and emotional conflicts, but those do not have to include fighting.
I want to share with you three primary differences between conflict and having a fight.
1. Conflicts Are Intentional and Fights Are Impulsive
When you and your spouse address a conflict, we are intentional about bringing up an issue that needs to be resolved. Sometimes that means that you have spent several days praying about the issue, thinking it through, and perhaps getting some perspective from the Holy Spirit.
A fight always begins with an impulsive reaction to how we are feeling. He said something insensitive or you did something that ticked your spouse off, and away you both go.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that almost all conflicts are more likely to be resolved if couples give each other time to process, pray, and get perspective.
Most important issues in a marriage don’t have to be resolved today. You don’t have to decide on what car to buy, where to send the kids to school, or how to pay the credit card bill. Although it may feel like you need resolution, find your own peace in bringing the issue before the Lord before seeking peace with your spouse.
2. Fights Are Rooted in Fear and Pride While Conflict Requires Humility.
When you and your spouse are engaged in fighting, you both want to win. You are convinced that you have the better argument, are more justified in your anger than he is, or you want to hurt him as much as he hurt you.
Fights typically end with a perceived winner and loser. Someone got the last word or overpowers the other one.
The goal of conflict is to end up on the same page. Conflict isn’t motivated by getting your way or proving your point. The goal is to become like-minded and understanding each other at a deeper level. Even if you and your husband will never see an issue exactly the same, through conflict, you can gain an appreciation for each other’s perspective.
One of the most powerful things you can do to switch a fight into a healthy conflict is to take a step toward humility.
Apologizing for your part of a misunderstanding is another way to demonstrate humility. “I’m sorry I said that the way I did. I didn’t intend to hurt you, but what I said was uncalled for. Will you forgive me?”
While those words may be very difficult to utter in the heat of the battle, they will likely turn a contentious fight into a meaningful conflict. In essence, you are telling your husband, I care more about us than I care about getting my way.
3. Fighting Is About the Moment; Conflict Is About the Marriage.
God is teaching many couples today that you could win every argument and still lose your marriage. That perspective helps couples practice the self-control and humility required to do conflict well.
Remember that Conflicts Are Still Conflicts
I’m not suggesting that you walk away from an issue when you walk away from a fight. There are some conflicts you must walk through. Avoiding them is neither loving nor beneficial. There are some conflicts in your marriage that will be really stressful. It’s no fun to confront your husband on his porn use or decide as a couple whether or not to declare bankruptcy. These are very important issues that you need God’s wisdom and grace to work through.
Switching from a pattern of fighting to healthy conflict means refusing to make your spouse the enemy and being patient to wait until the right time and setting to talk the issues through in a loving manner. Ask the Lord to give you the wisdom you need to make this change in your heart and your marriage.
Remember your conduct in your marriage is part of your worship to God.
Prince Victor Matthew
HOPE EXPRESSION HUB
This was such a powerful read. Very insightful. "I am sorry about my words and actions". #JustMe
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