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50/50 VS 100/100 MARRIAGE

At our marriage conferences we coach couples on serving love vs. living a life of independence and giving into our tendency to feed our selfishness. It is as if we are living a 50/50 relationship: you do your thing and I will do mine. Husbands and wives in a 50/50 relationship live by an unspoken credo reflected in the following statements:

I will pull only my weight; you must pull your own.

If you expect me to meet your needs, you must meet mine.

I will do my share of the work, if you will do your share.

I will go the extra mile for you, if you will go the extra mile for me.

If I give up something for you, I expect you to give up something for me.

I will love you as long as you love me 

The 50/50 marriage is an arrangement of trade-offs and compromises, with spouses keeping score so one person never gets more or gives more than the other. Serving and submitting to one another are often replaced by a strong emphasis on getting what is rightfully yours. This is part of what the apostle Paul was talking about when he warned, “Don’t just pretend that you love others. Really love them.” The 50/50 marriage is a pretense, a sham, far from the real thing.

It’s easy to slide into a 50/50 arrangement if you’re not careful. Why? Because we all desire to have our own needs met. We all crave the understanding and attention that results when someone cares for us without expecting anything in return. So we are all quick to recognize when we are not receiving what we deeply want. This me-first attitude can get you complaining, for example, that your spouse never spends time with you or that you had to do the dirty work while your spouse was busy with his or her hobbies

At some point, one or both of you start keeping score and “penalizing” the other for rule violations. You may be familiar with these clashes, such as when your spouse blurts out that you don’t meet his or her needs. Or maybe the discontent doesn’t come out into the open. Maybe it just simmers beneath the surface as you quietly oppose each other, undermine each other, or avoid each other.

Someone is missing in this kind of relationship: the person who desires to live right in the middle of your marriage, the one who makes the rules and mediates between your needs and your spouse’s needs. It’s the person of Jesus Christ, who provides not only the example but the power of serving love through the Word of God and the Holy Spirit. When we allow Christ’s power to love through us, we fulfill the biblical command to “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”

We call it the 100/100 marriage. This is no 50/50 kind of arrangement. Instead, the 100/100 marriage looks more like this:

Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to the lordship of Jesus Christ in the marriage.

Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to the authority of the Word of God in the marriage.

Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit to help him or her love, honor, and cherish the other selflessly.

Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to discovering and meeting the other’s needs.

Each spouse is 100 percent sold out to preferring and honoring the other above self—with no keeping score!

And since no one is 100 percent selfless, each spouse is 100 percent sold out to confessing and forgiving offenses when they happen.

This is why you need Jesus at the very center of your marriage if you hope to meet each other’s needs. You can’t do it on your own. But thankfully, he can do it through you, and he longs to do it through you. The closer each of you gets to Jesus, the closer you will get to one another. The more you humble yourself before Jesus, the better equipped you will be to serve one another. And if you are both lovingly absorbed in the Spirit-empowered ministry of meeting each other’s needs, you will both be the pleased beneficiaries of each other’s need-meeting service.

Prince Victor Matthew 

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